A Wandering Mind's Home

I don’t like goodbyes, because they’re never mutual. I find myself saying goodbye, after they have already left.

"Maybe your greatness will be achieving what others cannot see. You have distanced yourself from the conventional ideas of success and achievement because you do not see them as such. You see them as continued work to maintain a palace you rarely get to live in. You do not want that. You want to be able to enjoy the fruits of your labors by not building a mansion, but instead having enough to survive so that you can find more time to live. You have separated the ideas of living and existing. As someone who sought death you know this distinction, and do no equivocate the two. You will survive enough to live, and by living you will explore till you find the happiness you desire. Having lacked it all your life, you were able to define it that much easier. You were able to see it while others were clouded by having portions of it. And maybe that will be what you leave behind. Not accomplishment, having statues built to represent your excellence, or a legacy to envy, but having achieved what others have forgotten: a simple life of simple happiness. Your sense of greatness is different from others, and you ought to seek that rather than what others approve. You live your life, which means you get to define how you live it. Which means you also define your success and the path you choose to get there. That is what makes you great now and what will make you great in the future: living as you please in order to live as you want."

I write from this view whenever I get discouraged and feel like giving up. My Devil’s Advocate. I as the Optimist, instead of the hopeless.

I never wanted to be a lone wolf. I was just a black sheep. I always wanted to be a part of society, desperately trying to fit in and be loved. But the more everyone isolates me, the more I learn to live on my own and the more I realize I must live on my own. I recognize that I am different, and distanced myself from flaws I see with the flock. I am becoming the wolf, not out of choice but because this is the only way for a person like me to live peacefully: separated from the rest. This is not what I want, but this is the only way that works.

But naturally by assimilation and rationalization, I begin to find comfort in this. It isn’t as bad as I once feared.

Some conditionals are so self evidently true, that when the right fact comes along, the choice seems as though it has been made for you.

My pursuit of knowledge is based in preventing any unnecessary obstacles and pain. The more I know, the more I know what to avoid.

Your circumstances may give reason for your actions, but that does not make them good.

I once sought death, why would I fear it when it came to find me?

A Note on Essence and Decisions

She’ll never hear this, but it is honest and sincere. I write this for myself, to make sure that I never go back on what is said. My rationality is pure, and anything against it would be unwise. I must never forget what I write here, because without this lesson I will go back down the path that brought me much pain.

I think I can finally forget about her. She was important to me. The first person I ever cared about within my loveless life. The first experience of care and love, both for and from her. The most special person in the world, in a world I did not believe to be special at all. The person who made me believe in goodness. But the person I cared about no longer exists, because the one who cared about me is gone. Replaced with someone I know not who. We have developed as people. We are new and far different from what we were. I, forged in fire, reducing my problems to nothing. My defences strong and paths clear. I know not her story, but her behaviour exhibits hate, contradictions and lies. That is not who she was before, but that is all I now know her to be. I was once like that too, but regretted every time it occurred. They were mistakes and I sought to undo them. But she have committed to these actions. They have become her. I have no desire to be around that. I no longer want to undo the hate in her I may have created, or to rekindle the friendship we once had. She has shown she doesn’t want that, despite my reconstruction. She told me she cared, but her actions say otherwise. She came back into my life during the darkest moment to save me from death, only walk out again. Although she has left me behind, my decision marks an important moment in my life.

To forgive someone despite their actions, and forget them despite their previous virtues.

The door may be open if she changes and decides to return, but I can’t guarantee it will be. She has left our possible friendship behind and I have decided to do the same. I am letting her go without chase. There is no love, care, hate or anger. I have forgiven my way passed any hate I had reason for, and she dissolved any reason I had to still care. There is only neutrality. The only feeling left is appreciation and disappointment. I will always be thankful for what she did for me. She gave hope to a boy who was losing it all. It disappoints me that she gave up on that endeavour. I hope that she can become that goodness I saw in her before. Not for my sake, but for hers and that she not go down the path of hate and distrust I made sure to avoid on my downfall.

In my decision to not chase after her, she will never have to think about me. And maybe that hate for me will leave her mind and never trouble her again. That is the only true act of kindness I can grant her. For me, I let go of her. No longer a desire to reunite and fix what I had broken. There is no connection to be imposed on us by the other or ourselves. My unhealthy fixation on her is done. My belief of her being special has ended. I can think freely and no longer will my actions be connected to her. We may think of each other from time to time, but nothing forces us to so. Once tied together by my love, her care, then her hate and my desire to resolve, we are freed from one another. Goodbye friend.

"We’re all stories, in the end."

A Study in Reflection and Identity

This is my last note, for reasons explained within it. I am also sorry for any vagueness. Although I openly admit to my irrational feeling of loneliness, there are other issues I reference without defining them. These are rather personal and all that ought to be known is that their weight upon my mind is significantly troubling.

Over the past few months, many people have shown concern towards my evident depression. I spoke out in my notes in an attempt to let out all the discomfort and pain I was suffering, as well as explain myself to those who chose to read it. For most of my life, I have been depressed, but for the past year, I have been more open about it. This was because it was also the most difficult year for myself. My problems seemed to be getting exponentially worse. And with the weight of my problems, my attitude towards them gradually worsened. Although I was feeling the worst I ever have, I was able to understand my problems. In doing so, I have finally been able to put a crack in the prison I felt I could never escape.

I was constantly bothered by helplessness and loneliness, as well as an extreme feeling of confusing and misdirection. My life began to lack meaning and purpose. I had always looked for someone to guide me and lead me through my issues. Someone who could give me answers. No one ever had. They either couldn’t, didn’t want to, or left me when they saw how troubling my situation was. They said, “I am sorry but I don’t know what to say” or “I can’t help you”. I felt alone because of that. They gave me hope, only to realize I was helpless. I felt like a lost cause no one was willing to invest time in. Within the chaos that my life was becoming, not receiving help was salt on my already deep wounds. Then one of the more traumatic events in my life occurred and I began to doubt myself and everything around me. Doubt only added to the difficulty in overcoming these problem. It seemed to reverse any resolve I found. I was at odds with my internal skeptic. It seemed hopeless.

However, I was finally able to make progress. A friend spoke up and gave me an explanation which I then developed into something more. He told me that although I receive no help from others, these are my own problems. I may seek help, but these issues are ultimately my own to solve and that I am strong enough to do so. He ensured me that he would always be there to help me if I ever found trouble and would keep me going on my path of self reconstruction.

Upon understanding that, I dropped my need for others. I accepted that I am the only one who can solve these problems. Now I understand that ultimately, I am the one to solve these problems. These are my demons to defeat. But in doing so I realized another thing. That while I was caught up in having no one to guide me and stand by my side, I hadn’t noticed all the people behind me, supporting me and encouraging me to keep going. This is what I needed and what I still need. Now that I lead myself, that support becomes actualized.

That is why this is my last note, because I no longer seek guidance nor support. I have found exactly that within myself and others. I still have other problems to deal with, but I have dealt with the most important one first as it helps solve the others.

And with that, hope found its way into my mind and I realized another concept. That at my core, I am an optimist. No matter how bad things had become, I kept going. No matter how pessimistic and cynical my view was, I never stopped looking for other options. If I did not hope, I would have taken my life a while back when trauma drowned me. My mere existence is a proof of my hope that things will get better. I didn’t believe I was an optimist, even though my closest friends always saw it in me and tried their best to convince me. My cynicism and doubt rejected that. My circumstances became so dire they gave way to cynicism and doubt but were an inherent part of a character. I see that inherent optimism. I see it in the advice I give to others, in my the help I give to strangers and the value I place on morality and ethics. I see my natural optimism that was clouded by my circumstances and imposing mindsets. I now embrace what I see clearly.

"I am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams."

But I do not wish to mislead others nor myself. My life is not resolved. It still feels chaotic. but this is the most stable it has ever been. With a more optimistic heart, and knowing that I am not alone, my mind is at ease with combating these issues. I am hopeful and confident. Confident that rather than allow an aggressive and dark world shape me, I have the will to shape myself.

I have to take a moment to say thank you to a few people. To Redmond, for bringing the most vital insight into my knowledge base. Matt and Cassius, for simply having my back and looking out. My cousin Carol for making me feel like less of an abnormality. Jeff for reminding me that I’m still a good person. And my breaking family, Original Ruckus (plus Onton) for reminding me how to enjoy myself. Not to forget many others who have shown interest and concern, which reminds me that I am not alone. Everyone has helped me along, and I can’t be more grateful than I am right now.

I am in a different part of my life now. I have begun to understand the essence of my character, which is another story that will not be written. I am done writing to share or find the logical construct of my problems. Unlike other brief moments of optimism, I find this extremely logical and sound. I cannot find a way to doubt this solution. As well, it inherently gives me hope. I feel the warmth in myself I haven’t felt in years. I know this optimism will last because I will make it last. I trust and believe in myself to turn my life around. The new mindsets and outlooks I have adopted are strong, and have become the new foundation. I’m now looking elsewhere for different answers; not within my revisions but in my actions. Overall, I am better than I was before. Which is saying a lot. I have finally found answers and can begin moving forward. Loneliness is what made me feel depressed, and the other problems are what made me feel lost. Now, I am not alone and find strength in my solitude, therefore removing the dark cloud over my head. I am finding I am able to enjoy life a bit more. And with my new found trust in myself and support around me, I am able to navigate my life much easier. Even though there is still chaos in my life, I feel more alive than I ever did before. I had always dreamt of what the feeling of Zen was like, and I honestly feel I am. My solutions feel so logical, they took hold of me immediately. I feel renewed. For the first time in a very long time, I look forward to the days ahead of me.

The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.”

Back on Tumblr. Just some to find art and write when I need to.