Athough what I type here is not the perfection I seek in life, the situations discussed have yielded the best possible outcome for myself. For the first time, I am free from an entire lifetime worth of depression. I still lack what is necessary to feel the happiness I sought, but I have finally found peace within neutrality. As someone who suffered for years, peacefulness is the greatest blessing I could receive and I am grateful to finally rest instead of fight against the pain. And within that peace, I can finally heal the damage that being unloved caused. That is my optimistic approach, to undo the the negative thought pattern created within me.
There is no real elegant way to explain this. In all the loss that I suffered, I realized what it all truly came from: that I was alone.
In December of 2012, I had a feeling that 2013 was not going to be any better but I could not understand why. In part I was correct, because I could feel my loneliness eating away at me, but I could have never predicted the events that threw me into chaos: the passing of both Carol and Megan. The two optimists that kept me going were gone. I was left alone without a sense of direction.
When I say alone, I do not mean that I was without the physical presence of others. I lacked a companionship that makes one feel worthwhile. For a long time I was afraid to admit it to others; fear that all that negative energy would only push people away and make me feel more alone than I already was. Now I don’t care to hide it because I feel its too late. In childhood, young adulthood till now, I lacked care, protection and love. No one was ever there to care for me when I was depressed, no one was there to defend me when I was insulted and picked on, and no one loved me when I was around. I felt forgotten and worthless. I had to care, protect and love myself, but that was hard.
My family didn’t really care about me and it only made matters worse. There were things I will not discuss here, but I was not nurtured to my needs. They isolated me from society. I went to school and that was it. I never learned how to properly interact with people because I never got to be around then. When it was time to be around people, I could not interact, and I had grown so used to my isolation I didn’t want to be around people, let alone let people into my personal life. There were times where I tried, but emotions ran strong. My ethical stances were trumped by animalistic desires and I hurt those who cared for me, and those I cared about.
But I still wanted to be loved. An unforgiving paradox I entered.
It soon got to the point where even when people legitimately cared, I couldn’t let them in. If my own blood didn’t care about me then how could someone who barely knew me care?
I also pushed the people tried who cared away because I didn’t want to engulf them in my negative situation. I was afraid to hurt them. I had once seen my desire to be with someone hurt that person. I never wanted to do that to anyone. So even if they were strong, I wouldn’t let them close. I did not trust myself. I was both ashamed and untrusting of myself. I hid that away and everyone thought I was fine.
Carol, my close friend and significant other, was the only person persistent enough to stick around, and she was one of the only I let in. She saw passed my big smile and saw pain in my sad eyes. She loved me, but also cared for me. I tried my best to love her, but I couldn’t love her like she did me. But I cared for and protected her, but I did not feel that warm feeling of love until she passed away.
And that instant of loss and love was the thing that made me want to throw my life away. Because I felt like I would never get it back. And the cycle kept continuing. I hid the loss of Carol because I was ashamed of our relationship. It was based on a lie and I thought it be best to mourn in private. But the pain caught up and I almost killed myself. A friend reached out to me, a close friend but after all that was happening I couldn’t ever be close to someone again, but I was still in pain. In doing so, I pushed her away and lost another person who cared. And she never knew why because I never spoke about the specifics of my pain and loss. Again, I continued to hide everything.
After months of the deepest loneliness, Megan, Carol’s sister, passed away as well from other complications. I felt even more depressed but for some odd reason instead of allowing it to run its destructive course, I faced by my entire past. There seemed like nothing else logical to do. I saw my depression for what it was. And I finally understood why I was depressed. Surrounded by nothing but darkness, i was able to find its source and understand its nature. As a result of the conditions I lived in and the consequences of my actions, I was alone without any sense of love. My desire to be loved and shame of my loneliness only made it impossible to be loved. The want for love made it impossible to be loved.
Thats when I gave it all up. I accepted that I could not achieve what I wanted, so I gave up that desire. To want what is unattainable is illogical.
Before, I needed something I knew I could never get. And that made me feel like a failure and destined to loneliness. But I accepted this failure and the desire faded. I escaped the paradoxical loop. I am still unloved and alone but the desire is no longer eating away at me.
I don’t see this as a loss. I defeated the shame I felt for my depressive upbringing, and with it defeated my mental desire. It is still sad to think I am without love and care. I always sought out love and care, but I no longer need that. I can act freely without those intentions.
I felt horribly going into 2013 and it was rightfully horrible. Having accepted my fate of loneliness and the destroying the contradicting desire that came with said loneliness, I can only imagine 2014 can logically be better now that I’ve dropped so many mental shackles from myself.
There is a subtle optimism for something that goes beyond the idea of others, and a sense of mental healing influenced only by myself. I don’t believe I’ll be alone and unloved forever, but by removing the desire to be loved opened me up to healing the scars that the lack of love created. And even if I do end up alone, I realize I have enough people to give me enough care to get by. My friends, family and my crew, who all encourage me that I’m not alone and remind me that I am a good person.
Rest in peace Caroline and Megan. In your loss I was forced to stand on my own, and taken my first steps towards something greater.
And thank you to all those who supported me. Your help is what reminded me that I am not alone.
"When we are at our lowest point we are open to the greatest change."